Thursday, January 17, 2013

Letting Go....

The last month or so, I have become very angry.... at everyone.  There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't have some anger.  And I want to stop.  I don't enjoy the negativity.  It leaves me feeling drained of energy, feeling even worse before, and unhappy with myself.  I end up cutting people out of my life - either for an hour, the day or for longer periods of time.  I just don't want to deal with people.


Most of the anger is born out frustration.  Frustration over things I mostly can't control.  But I can control my reaction to them.  From now on I am choosing to let more things go.  To realize it isn't worth the energy that I spend on them.

One thing that I can control is my relationship with Corey.  I need to be more vocal and less passive aggressive about what I need out of the relationship to be happy.  Because of his depression, I let things slide that I shouldn't and, as a result, I feel resentful and annoyed at him all the time.  Part of that, and I feel like a huge bitch saying this, is because I believe that he uses his depression as an excuse at times.  I say that I am feeling neglected - his response "Well, I'm depressed."  A "So get over it" is implied in his response... at least that's how I hear it.  **I wrote this a few weeks ago, and things have started getting better in that time.  We are talking about getting our own place again, going on vacations, and saving for the future. It helps that I am more vocal about being uphappy and Corey is also happier since he is working again and not as stressed about money. **

I also have issues with my father that I let needle at me.  In this case, I need to forgive him, even if I don't forget, and move on.  I can't let his mistakes and actions haunt MY life forever.

Another problem is trying to discover my passion in life.  I don't have anything.  My job isn't something I see myself doing forever, I don't have any hobbies I'm passionate about, I've lost the spark I had in life when I lived in Colorado.  It's so frustrating to feel like I could or should be doing something great with my life and not knowing what that something is.

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